Deserves a punch in the balls. Y/Y?

Intern: "Aren't you diabetic?"


Me: ~with mouthful of SUGAR FREE jello~ "I am."


Intern: "And you're eating chocolate?"


Me: ~swallows~ ~through gritted teeth~ "I. Am."


Intern: ~shakes head~ "That's like, totally bad for you."


Me: "It's sugar free."


Intern: "Oh."


Me: "Dingleberry."


Intern: "What?"


Me: "I said, Thanks, Larry. For your concern."


Intern: "My name's not Larry."

Me: "It feels like a 2 pudding cup day."

If they only knew...

Sorry for the lapse in stories. I have stories to share, oh don't you worry about that pretty lady. Just super busy is all. Also, we have a new intern. She's Brazilian.

The interns can't keep their boners down.

I wonder what they would do if I told them about how yesterday, while I was taking a porcelain cruise in my favorite stall, the new "OH MY GOD I WANT TO BANG HER SO FRICKEN BAD YOU HAVE NO IDEA" intern, daintily walked into the bathroom, closed the door to the stall next to me and proceeded to unload what I can only assume was a king-sized chili cheese and pork crackling burrito from lunch that didn't agree with her.



It was pretty epic.

I'm waiting for JUST the right moment to "unload" this secret on the interns.

Or maybe I'll wait.

Until one of them asks her out.

And takes her out to lunch.

For a king-sized chili cheese and pork crackling burrito.

The more I think about this plan, the more excited I become.



What say you, dear readers?

Well. That's one way to make it work.

~interns in copy room~

~copy machine bangs and whirs~

~silent shudder~

~error message pops up~

Intern #1: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'ERROR PWR'?!?!? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!!!!!"

Intern #2: "I SWEAR ONE DAY I'M GONNA TAKE THIS THING OUTSIDE AND SHOVE MY FIST UP IT'S @SS!!!!!!!!"

~interns slap copy machine~

~poke it~

~grunt at it~

~pretend to strangle it~

~Intern #1 violently pelvic thrusts towards it~

~copy machine whirs back to life~

~resets itself~

~Interns laugh hysterically~

Intern #2: "DUDE YOU BROUGHT IT BACK TO LIFE WITH YOUR JUNK!!!!!!!!!!"

~high five each other~

Me: "Or you bumped it so hard the plug straightened itself out and was connected properly again." ~shows interns back of machine~ ~wonky three prong plug slightly askew~ "Error 'PWR' means Power. The plug came undone in the back. Genius."

~interns ignore me and proceed to violently pelvic thrust towards fax machine~

Me: "You guys, the fax is working. It just needs more pape-...oh forget it."

~slams copy room door~

I'm sorry, why is this suddenly my problem?

Interns: ~running to a skidding stop into my cubicle~ "OMG GIVE US 75 CENTS QUICK!!!!!!"

Me:

Intern #1: "PLEASE!!!!!!!!"

Intern #2: "SERIOUSLY!!!!! THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH!!!!!!!"

Me:

Intern#1: "OKAY LOOK. THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE PACKAGE OF POPTARTS LEFT IN THE VENDING MACHINE, AND WE TRIED TO BUY IT, BUT IT GOT STUCK, RIGHT? SO WE PUT IN ANOTHER 75 CENTS AND IT ATE OUR MONEY AGAIN!!!!!!!"

Intern #2: "IT ATE OUR MONEY!!!! TWICE!!!"

Intern #1: "YEAH AND THAT JACKASS FROM ACCOUNTING IS IN THERE AND HE SAID HE'S GONNA BUY THE LAST ONE AND I KNOW THAT ASSHAT KNOWS WE WERE GONNA BUY THE LAST ONE AND WE JUST NEED 75 MORE CENTS SO THAT STUPID SWIRLY-COIL-THINGY TURNS ONE MORE TIME SO THE POPTARTS FALL!!!"

Intern#2: "YEAH SO THEY FALL!!!!!!!!"

Me:....









Intern #1: "ACK!!! NEVERMIND!!! YOU'RE USELESS!!!!!!!!!"

~interns run away again~

...

This is what happens when the computers don't work.

The computers are currently having a hissy fit. Something going on with the server in the midwest. Good times. Email isn't working, so all productive work has come to a standstill. Here's how the interns are handling it:

~clickety clackety at my desk~

~enjoying the silence of the late afternoon~

~UNTIL...~

Interns: "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YA!"

~jump out of my seat~

Me: "WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?"

~interns are wearing the white undershirts they had on under their business shirts around their heads and face~

Intern #1: "WE ARE T-SHIRT NINJASSSSSSSSSSSSS HIYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYA!"

Intern #2: "YOUR MONKEY FIGHTING IS STRONG. BUT OUR DRAGON FIGHTING IS STRONGER."

Me: "That's....great. Go away now."

Interns: ~run in circles within my cubicle~ ~take papers and things that are tacked onto the walls off~ ~quickly put them back with a flourish~ ~do really horrible versions of tai chi~

Me: ~bangs head on keyboard~

Interns: ~crawl out of cubicle all sneaky-like~

Intern #1: ~whispers~ "You've won."

Intern #2: "THIS TIME."

The interns are singing a song from Wicked, with a few changes.

~heard from the copy room~

Intern 1: "Something has changed within me..."

Intern 2: "Something don't feel right..."

Intern: 1: "I can't remember who I DID OR DIDN'T DO LAST NIIIIGHT!"

~chorus~

Interns together: "IT'S TIME TO TRYYYYYYYY DEFYYYYYYYYYYING VODKA SHOTS. I THINK I'LL TRYYYYYYY DEFYYYYYYYYING VODKA SHOTS... ~quietly~ because I'm too effed uuupp..."


Me:

Welcome to the blog, and your first Intern story!

Welcome to the blog. You'll find it's all very simple to follow here. Looking for douchetasticness? Boy have you come to the right place! Sit back and enjoy this first entry. Trust me, I have enough stories for a million' of 'em. Ice cream and cookies are in the back. Help yourself.

::curtain rises::

~interns walk into copy room as I am sorting through mail~

~all is silent until I turn around~

~both interns have their hair mussed and styled with gel~

~TO LOOK LIKE EDWARD CULLEN~

Me: "WHAT. THE. EVER. LOVING. EFF. IS GOING ON."

Interns: "What do you mean?"

Me: ~points to hair~ "UH. OK. EDWARD CULLEN...CULLEN(S)".

Intern #1: "OH AWESOME YOU NOTICED!!!!"

Intern #2: "YES. IT'S TOTALLY WORKING DUDE."

Intern #1: "Omg. I will never doubt you again."

Me: ~waves hands frantically~ "YOU MEAN YOU GUYS WANT TO YOUR HAIR TO LOOK LIKE THAT?!?!?"

Intern #1: "Dude, okay, so you know how that movie is coming out Friday?"

Intern #2: "Yeah, so we figured if we make ourselves look like that asshat in those movies, we will totally get some tail this weekend."

Me:


~interns high five~

Intern #1: "Yeah, so we were kind of testing it out today and at Starbucks this morning, that hot chick we always see totally winked at us. It was awesome."

Intern#2: "We are gonna get SO much tail this weekend."

Me:

Interns: "What?"

Me: "I just...I."

Intern#1: "Dude, gimme five. Seriously. So much tail." ~extends hand in air~

Me:


Interns: